Ever want to run away from it all, pretend everything is fine and start all over?
Me too.
In fact, that thought exactly crossed my mind today twice. “Run Christine, just leave it all behind and start over.” Want some juices deets on why?
Here is where I will start, since the age four, when I was raped for the first time (yes first time), I taught myself that crying will not get you anywhere. It just makes people awkward and run from you. I share this only to drive the end point home babes. I am not a victim to what happened BUT what I am victim to is the stories I told myself afterwards that I was never going to be enough.
Since the rape; which was preluded by my babysitter molesting me in front of her teenage boy everyday for over a month before he finally had “his turn”, I, with reason shut down the ability to touch into the fear of being weak. Add in a series of other events followed by abusive adults that taught me to shut down, shut up and get the job done, I became numb. I am not sharing this as an excuse. I am sharing this because I am not the only one out here that endured this, being so numb and guarded that you can’t move forward and create the life the want.
What I realized this week, is that I am still avoiding “being weak”. Which is ridiculous right? I know. I very compassionately encourage my clients to let go and be in the tears and truth with me, yet I have been being a total hypocrite. Not on purpose loves, and not by choice. Only by habit and not knowing how to do it for myself.
As I explained in a previous blog (In the gap), I used to need an excuse to cry. I had to build up the story in my head to the point of finally being able to cry and let go. I have gotten so much better at now BUT today I discovered a whole new layer.
Hopefully this makes sense;
The deepest layer I had yet to discover came up today. I am so terrified of being judged with being okay right where am; poor, learning, emotional, content. To the point where I have been overly defending why I am here.
I am afraid, that I am not allowed, or it’s not okay, to just be right here, imperfect, without judgement. Sounds silly perhaps, but it’s the truth. I have had to “be okay” after being raped at four years old. Be okay with mentally ill parents who threw their own issues on me like “blankets of blame” and then be okay with it when they told me I was “too strong” that I was “too cold”.
I have had to be okay with my own internal dialogue of a whole lot of “WTF” questions as I navigated through this messed up world. Careers where I am too strong that I intimidate people and yet some how that turns on my boss enough to force himself upon me.
Everyday wondering, If I am weak, will I survive? If I am strong, will I push people away?
Here’s the point, I never ONCE stopped to give myself permission to just be the mess I was, the mess I still am, right here in this moment.
Faro my mentor so brilliantly teaches,
“Humanity does not give themselves permission to be human.”
Isn’t that my damn truth?
the beginning of this month, piece by piece, a new picture has been putting itself together. Previous to this, I was floating in the bliss of the collective channeling through. Total state of bliss. But, two Sunday’s ago that all changed for me. This seems to be how I evolve ... a new lesson each month that hits like a ton of bricks on the first and then the awareness and healing takes place. Sunday the 3rd of this month, I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep with a daunting feeling that made me question how deep do my wounds still run.
Like always, I tried to sit and Be No-thing to see what came up. Holy shat, so much. Lucky for me, I have MomA and Faro aka Dashta always there for me. I poured a glass of wine and wondered over. Here’s what I discovered...
I need to stop talking. I need to stop trying to explain anything about me. LOL Funny that I am writing this with that comment, but I am sharing in hopes that one person relates and finds freedom.
I need to be and want to be okay with exactly where I am at. In order to do that, I need let the fear run through me and just allow simply that. Run through me, giving it no attention and therefore having no reaction. No need to explain myself, no need to be strong, no need for anything.
I used to feel like if I didn’t explain myself, that there would be judgment.
“Better help them understand”.
Anyone else feeling this?
As I embark on #freedomseekers, moving across the world in a couple of weeks, and bringing all I have learned up till this point to the world, I now understand that I am perfect right where I am. So are you loves.
Exactly right where you are, right now, is perfect. Whether it’s place of fear, lack of finical flow, single, trying to navigate your own awakening journey, or just completely at peace, it’s all perfect.
Today’s mantra as I throw away the blankets of shame:
I am free. I am free. I am free.
Free from the thoughts of trying to be.
I am completely 100% happy with me.
What mantra are you going to use?
Love you. Madly.
Christine
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