As I embark on this journey of moving to a new country, I have spent a lot of time pondering and reflecting on what has lead to this moment. As always, I have promised to be completely transparent with you but mostly to myself, so here we are.
When I first shared my excitement and choice to do this move, a lot of reactions came my way. First, there was fear from those closest to me. All the “why?”, all the “I’m not done having you” and all the “what if’s”. It then turned into trust and excitement along with me.
The universe within always has a plan, and the prelude to my ah ha moment started with 3 past lovers reaching out asking me for one more chance, or one last night with me. After that, I had a swarm of friends and clients asking me to continue to be brave for them. To continue to reach higher, inspiring them for their own crazy goals. Funny how we never know what impact we have on those around us until a life change brings us to space of sharing and connectivity.
This journey together has only begun but, thank you. From the depths of my soul, thank you. Thank you for the love, laughter and time we have shared as well as the tears. Thank you for bringing me into your hearts as I offer all of myself to you. I say this because I need it. I need to be reminded, as we all do, that what lives and thrives within me is the beauty I see in you. We all, once in awhile can get lost in the depths of the ego, our humanness. I have struggled in the past with being freely accepted for the self that is here and now. I still have much to forget and let go of, and I am finding my way like a newborn fawn standing on a frozen pond. My feet slip out from under me, but I know I will again, get up and stand tall ready to attempt the next step.
My foundation of self is strong. I know and understand my truth. The truth that I am you. The truth that you are me. And yet, I still ache to be swallowed whole by someone.
I’ve been waiting since 2012 after my second divorce to be brave enough to do this move. It’s a pull, a calling, a craving that I can’t put into words. I waited this long because I wanted to do it with my partner. I wanted to find “him”, explore this piece of the world alongside with him. I’ve dreamt of having my hand held as I conquered my fears, swim in the ocean and lay under the stars.
In my last post I spoke about jumping and trusting that your wings will grow on the way down. Here I am doing that, fully trusting that the universe which resides within me has a plan. The piece that is hard, is I had a picture in my mind of what this would look like. I saw “him” with me. My lesson this month is that you cannot be attached to the outcome. You can dream, you can create and manifest anything, and actually attain it but only as long as you stay out of your own way and allow it come in whatever form it does.
Before this choice to go, I felt the struggle of trying to forcefully stand on the ice, in a panic that I wouldn’t get up. Watching as my feet would slip and go in every direction, holding my breath in preparation of hitting the ice again, over and over. Always wondering where I meet “him”, how would it look, how would it feel? Where on earth is he? Or worse yet, is it me? Is it me, the quirky yet deep nature walking around in this meatsuit, that is not capable of matching ‘him”?
I had an encounter this week that changed that for me. A moment of connection that tore away my need to try, my need to search. A truly beautiful soul that I admire and have from the first introduction, a soul that has made question everything about myself but in such a glorious way, poked something within me that made me question if I was being true to myself with everything. I discovered after this evening how much avoidance I have in letting go and instead I numb down. I can literally see the smirk coming over his face as he reads this.
Although I have no judgement towards myself for being exactly where I am in this moment, throughout that evening I found a piece of me that I have been hiding from.
The short version of the back story to this is, I lived (not living now) a life of rejection. Up until I was 20, I had yet to experience what it if felt like to just be enough to be kept. My childhood was years of being tossed around, abused, and then dropped. As I have shared before, I was told I was too weak or even worse too strong to be loved. As I worked my way through this, I came to a balance of loving myself, as I love you. The type of love that is all accepting. I learned how to set boundaries where I need to, I learned how to walk away from abuse, how to be vulnerable and to share everything that I am with you. I learned how to share all that I understand about myself and now, I am learning how to understand all that you see within me. That’s a hard one.
It’s a little slippery unzipping, sharing your current awareness of self in vulnerability with someone and allowing them to peek within you and see what you have yet to discover about yourself.
The other evening, although it took me until this moment, I unknowingly shared and woke up the truth within about why I love wine so much. Okay okay, this may sound silly but it’s actually pretty raw. I know as much as the next person that anything we rely on, such as wine for me, is to avoid something we do not like the feeling of. I have known that piece forever, but I couldn’t find what it was that I was trying not to feel. Until now that is.
Unlayering this, in this moment with you here reminds me how much I still have to figure out, or perhaps let go of. So here it is, I have been avoiding the heavy ache I carry within my heart of wanting “him”. I have had a few relationships (more than a few) but they have yet to offer me what I know love can be.
I have learned from each kiss, each caress and each “I love you”. In each one, I have experienced a piece of him through me, with me, for me. But haven’t experienced yet me through him. Every relationship has been the awareness that I am him, as he is me and together it’s been a relationship of me giving without receiving for me. Long conversations of helping him discover himself, his healing journey, his way in the world. He, each one of them, gave me what they believed to be love. But that love was only a mirror of my own “Please keep me”. I kept attracting the same mirror over and over until I decided to just let go and be. I stopped trying to find him and instead have been sitting literally staring out the window allowing myself to be no-thing while my truths bubble to the surface so I can tenderly love and accept them.
Finally, this has surfaced. A couple of evenings ago, listening to a dear friend share his story of how wacky it is trying to find someone who gets the “weirdness” about him, as well as realizing that 6 glasses of wine is more than enough for me, it all started to stir. It took until today to find the quiet time to look within.
I have been lying to myself and telling myself that love is just a human emotion, and if and when I find it’ll be great. I convinced myself that even though I want it, it was weak of me to need it. I won’t and haven’t chased it just to have it, I won’t settle for love just to feel the human emotion and experience of it. But I do want it. Today, I got real with myself. I drink to avoid the piece of me that hurts without “him”, whoever the flock “he” is. If anyone can see into the future, give that dude a map already!
I sat today allowing this to surface. I can feel him, I know he’s out there, going through the same thing I am. I can literally feel him, his energy, his essence. I just don’t know him yet. As I allowed the feeling to take over instead of hiding from what it feels like to be without him, I came to this. As broken as it may make me sound, this is my truth;
I want to be swallowed whole.
Look in my eyes where the universe resides, look in and see yourself through me. Give me the gift of living through you, with you, for you.
Embrace me not for your pleasure but to feel my pain so I can feel yours.
Feel what I have endured so I can learn the sacred pieces of myself with you, through you but for me.
Ignite my passion, let me see you.
Let me learn you, not the story but the wounds and then the dreams.
Take all of me, as I stand here and now.
Unzip the past, stand naked with me, exposed and trust me so I can do the same.
Patiently learn me, my dreams and desires.
Let me feel worthy, not because of you, but through you, as I allow you the same.
Can I be the only one who has sat and is hit with emotion wanting this? I am the only one who feels so raw as the desire to be with him takes over my heart? Am I still wounded or is this ache normal?
I let myself surrender to the wanting, to feel not loneliness as some would describe, but anticipation, yearning and the deep raw truth that wine is not my boyfriend.
From here, I chose to observe it. Allowing it to flood me without a story attached to it. As I let it flood me, I was surprised that it didn’t hurt. I had avoided it for so long because I thought it was going to hurt to feel that ache. I had told myself a story that it would feel lonely, like it did in my childhood, that the pain would run too deep. But it didn’t. It just is. It allowed me to trust it and define my real desire. Not the desire of love, but the desire of the experience above. That, yes that, I can fully accept.
My mentor and friend Faro, has taken me through The art of knowing self, and yet here I am again applying it to yet another a layer. The journey is never ending my friends.
So where to now? Perhaps my own version of the bachelorette? Or ... maybe I should just allow?
Keep inspiring.
Love you. Madly.
Christine
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