This is the most raw and unfiltered thing I have ever shared. I would have created a video, but I still have no voice.
I promise you that if you can commit to reading for 15 - 20 fucking minutes, you’ll receive some beautiful gems from this. I also can assure you that you’ll judge at least one part of this and to that I say,
Everything is pretty behind smoke and mirrors. I am doing this for you. I am sharing the dark truth, my c*nty judgements and my self awareness because I know I am not alone. Stand beside me or stand pointing your finger at me. Either way, I am undoing the BS we’ve been taught to hide behind. Draw the curtain … This is scene one.
It’s two days after my birthday and two days until Christmas, I find myself sitting in a bubble bath, mimosa in hand, headphones on and music that stirs my soul blaring in my ears.
I’m reflecting.
Within my mind and heart.
First, I’m reflecting the endless love I receive on the daily (from my followers and students) right back to them. How is a girl from childhood filled with abandonment this fucking lucky? How am I the one who was “lucky” enough to turn her pain into a mission and touch thousands of lives each month?
Which leads me to my second reflection. My pain. Before I dive into this, let me set the boundaries for you. I’m human. I have both a deep endless flow of universal wisdom within me, matched to perfection with the ability to reside within a meat suit that operates with this tiny little spoiled brat within me that aches to be loved and witnessed … just like every other MF out here walking the path of an awakened human. I’m just honest enough to admit it.
A few years back, on my birthday, I started a series on YouTube called 100 Days of Surrender. I literally cringe over it now lol but hey, that’s where I was at. This year in the months leading into my birthday, I hit a similar low. This time, it almost took my life, literally.
The only way I can explain this is to begin with what actually happened the entire year of 2024. It sucked ass, it sucked donkey dick, it sucked old sweaty balls, it was brutal. From the outside, everyone thought I had it all. After all, I did drop 25 lbs, marry the man of dreams, move into a 6 bedroom 3 bath home, launch my book and have it soar, host over 8 retreats, travel endlessly for both work and pleasure. I was labeled a badass, unstoppable, a powerful leader, spicy game changer and few other names that aren”t as cute.
My followers, students and friends all watched me soar higher than ever before and began projecting their perceptions of me, onto me. Take that sentence in, would you?
I had people in public fan girl over me, and yet, it felt as though no one stopped to ask me “How are you really doing?” So you know what I did? I pushed more. How could anything be wrong when everything was so right? How could I complain when I literally had my dream life? I didn’t even stop to ask myself if I was okay. I took the love and ran faster somehow believing it was like fuel so I could give more. When I would stop to catch my breath, my audience would demand more.
Each time I required recharging, I was met with,
“I’m so sorry you’re enduring _____. I just had this crazy … I’m going through … look at me look at me”.
2024 began with one of the biggest betrayals of my life. A soul sister, best friend and confidant scheming behind my back to take my business and end our friendship, completely abandoning me. Next, an over protective mother attacked me when I had to make a business decision that impacted her child, who was one of my favourite humans and employees. Between the two devastating experiences, my business was drastically impacted as well as my heart. I felt crushed.
As the year progressed, I moved into personal chaos as my now husband and I decided to cohabitate and plan our fall wedding all while my book was in the works to launch for the fall. At the same time, I went through the height of my menopause journey and I fractured my wrist and sprained my ankle. No joke, this when the realization that I am middle aged kicked in. But wait, I can’t stress about that because everyone 50+ needs to force their “you’re still young” and “age is just a number” down my throat.
The truth is that it took me 45 years on this planet to finally arrive in happiness and not ache everyday to end it all, only to realize that I am at the age where it could end. Fuck man, on Decemeber 17th of this year, the Doctors actually tested me for a heart attack. We will get the health “crisis” in a bit here. Turning 46 has me shook, in two very opposite ways. In 2017 I was given an eight week death notice. I am so grateful I didn’t die, somehow I beat all the odds and made it this far. However, the realization that my body is aging and I have zero control over it is throwing my fragile ego “I still want to be youthful and sexy” into a very large loop. Don’t lecture me, I understand, I am just having a moment here.
Can you tell 2024 may have made me a wee bit upset? This is what I mean by “I’m human”. Forgive me if this sounds like a pity party so far. I’m getting to a point, I promise. But also, fuck it. I know I’m not alone with this. I feel I’m doing the world an injustice by pretending “all is well” or some other fucking ridiculous lie we squeeze through our clenched jaws so others won’t judge us for being weak or worse yet, not spiritual enough.
This year, I damn near lost faith in humanity and due to that, almost lost my flame for creating change. I almost gave up. Actually, I believe I did for at least a day.
If you’re still reading this, I fucking love you. Most people want a flashy quick video where I’m mentally spanking someone in under 30 seconds. So, thank you for being one of the real ones. I’m a little over being everyone’s entertainment. Cause fuck me, that’s what it feels like when you pour it all into your life and the moment something gets hard for a follower, or unkind selfish asshole who was only using you, they pounce and demand more.
This year taught me something I’ll never go back on. It taught me waaaay too much, but let me try and sum it up as simply as I can.
One: Don’t give so easily, because takers will take.
I learned this one a long time ago while single, for many reasons including sex and yet, I clearly could have used a refresh on the lesson.
Two: be comfortable - like truly deeply, be comfortable being perceived as a bitch.
I didn’t think I cared much what others thought of me until this year slammed me. The Karen’s, Sara’s and broken souls who think you’ll save them without them having to do the work themselves, will attack. They will go for the jugular and leave you on your knees, teary face in hands gasping for air wondering why. I thought I was strong. Turns out, there was no armour on my back or heart for the knives and arrows I received. There were endless days, sometimes weeks, where Cory had to pick me up over and over again as I questioned everything about myself.
The hardest part in all of this was, as I was questioning everything about myself, my students were still demanding from me. Endless emails with the subject Iine “private for Diam”. By the time August hit, I started each day anxiety ridden in tears trying to keep up with it all. I felt owned. I felt “expected too”.
Here’s the gem: I unknowingly feared that if I didn’t, I’d be met with another betrayers response. I was so fragile. My heart was still broken and I couldn’t bear another arrow. I was so overwhelmed with life that I didn’t even know how broken my heart was.
My next big challenge of 2024 was the wedding. I am going to share with you my biggest toxic trait. I love nothing more than some drinky drinks, loud music and a group of friends. However, Diam and drinky drinks get way too generous. Like “here I will sign over the papers to my car to help you”, kinda generous. My stupid ass while drinking, offered for an entire group of people to stay at my home the entire week of our wedding. The wedding that was being held at our home.
Leading into the wedding, I was hit with pneumonia. I hosted a four day event at my house and I did what I do best. Pushed through. Mostly because I have the most incredible friends in the world and secondly because FOMO is real in this girl. I had a lot of drinky drinks. Then the “We wish we could be there for the wedding happened” and I jumped. Let’s do it. I invited the entire group to stay at our house during the wedding (cause they all live out of the country) Before I knew it, the first set of plane tickets were purchased and there was zero way I was going to pull back on that promise. I would rather stay sick and be completely overwhelmed than hurt anyone's feelings or cause disappointment. The most interesting part was the majority of this group waited until the last minute to buy their tickets as if they somehow knew this might be an overload for me. But did I say anything? Nope. I couldn't stand the thought of disappointing anyone.
It was brought to my attention recently that perhaps I attract some, whose intentions to be involved in my life are more important to them than what's right for me. This got my wheels spinning. Ummmm yes. This is a theme in my life. Definitely not all the people but what's the saying? It takes one spoiled apple to ruin the bunch? I have a few in my life who fit this. The crazy thing, they don’t see it. Selfish people only see their pain. I know I am absolutely not alone on this. The crazier thing, I promise you each one of my friends and close students are now going to panic and be in their fucking heads wondering if I am talking about them. Humans are obsessed with themselves. (If I haven’t cut you out already, then reflect and ask yourself if you could do better. If you know I love you, then move on. If you don’t know I love you, then yes you are a problem.)
Ready for the next gem? I no longer will allow others to place me in a position of having to set these very obvious boundaries. If you do, brace yourself because it’s officially on you. I won’t apologize for it.
After the wedding my body knew it could finally give up. The chaos of the year was over, all that was left was a bunch of recordings for the new marketing team, a head office team trip and our honeymoon. It was time to slow down and breathe, or so I thought. My body did the exact opposite. It stopped breathing. This led to endless hours in the hospital, endless puzzled faces from Doctors, medical and holistic professionals. My lungs failed me for no reason. My voice went next. And then my heart.
A few days before turning 46 I was yet again rushed into the hospital. During what felt like a heart attack in the triage, my body gave up. It collapsed, fought for air and released an endless stream of tears down my cheeks. Unfortunately I terrified a waiting room full of people but even more so scared the shit out of my husband and yes, myself. Even writing this now has my eyes filled with tears. It makes me want to scream, to fall down sobbing and wail. It’s not fair. I fought so fucking hard to be here. Here is what it triggered off in my journal;
I have had to fight, since birth, to be here. I have had to fight endless abuse just to stay alive. I have been abandoned over and over again and the last person that is supposed to abandon me is my own fucking body.My life is an endless struggle. I give and give, When do I get a break? How can I be so blessed and yet have so many people deplete me at the same time? How can I be so loved, but only feel loved for what others experience through me. They don’t even really know me. It feels the same as my birth parents all over again. Hate me, hurt me, judge me, beat me until you need me. Take from me, make me your show pony and then break me again. Tell the world how I am the problem so that they will never know the secrets of how you abused me. Act like it’s all fine and then watch me break behind closed doors.
The next gem: A broken heart will lead to a broken heart.
A broken heart will lead to a broken spirit. A heart broken enough will lead to destruction. 2024 was my year of destruction, but more like a deconstruction. It harden me, but in a way I admire. It was my grande finale.
When I collapsed in the hospital, I left my body and joined my guides. The tears flowing down my cheeks were the tears of death. I sat beside my guides, listening to my physical body gasp for air. In a matter of seconds an entire conversation with them had taken place. My human, Diam, was ready to leave. That girl is wore out. So, I gave her permission too.
Along with my guides we whispered in her ear,
“You can leave or you can rebirth yourself.”
Suddenly the room went white and I was standing in the middle surrounded by every single person who has hurt me, judged me, used me, abused me and abandoned me. Behind them was a sea of people who were aching to be saved, aching for guidance standing there with their eyes wide in refusal to look within themselves.
A surge of power flooded my body as I felt my heart pound harder. Standing there with tears flooding my face I feel my knees grasping at my heart. Within seconds I fell over as the pounding of my heart took over my entire body. Surrounded by the sea of people, I fell into the fetal position. Eyes closed I went into my heart and became witness to it transforming into a large deep red egg. It sucked me in. This was death. Everything was silenced.
I whispered;
“I hope it kills you when I’m gone. I hope you feel what I’ve felt for so long. It seems the only way you will learn is to walk the path I had too. The path of hopelessness and lost. The path of having to do it all alone.
The invisible strings you keep pulling, begging for a savior, are no longer my role.
I’m gone.”
Suddenly my heart started pounding again, but this time it was the egg and I was within it. I felt power pulsing through my veins as I started expanding. Expanding is the only word I can find to describe what was happening. I felt my body twitch, convulse and then morph into a dragon. My eyes filled with fire as my lungs filled with air. The dragon kept getting bigger and bigger as wings stretched out encompassing the entire room.
I heard;
“Now, you get this version. The version that will walk away from your toxic shit.
The version that has zero fucks to give about your problems. You see, when you broke her heart, you killed the one who offered you the very thing you can’t seem to cure for yourself. The ache to be seen. She will no longer coddle you nor blaze a path for you to walk. She will be soaring above the clouds, willing to demonstrate the way to the ultimate freedom to those brave enough to rebirth themselves.”
The next thing I knew I was sitting in a wheelchair, heart monitor on and a nurse named Kenny asking me if I knew where I was. I spent the coming weeks on bedrest, nursing my vocal cords and using every last fucking ounce of patience I could summon waiting to be strong enough to move from my bed to the couch or even better, be able to talk again. I haven’t crossed the finish line yet with all this. My heart still has fluid around it, my wind pipes still collapse but I assure you, I am stronger than ever.
I somehow was able to shed pain that I didn’t even know existed. Going into 2025, I am not a badass. I am fully comfortable in my bitch. Moving forward, when someone who is hiding from the fact that they want to be me because they are too afraid to be themselves, OR when someone is hiding from the fact that are too afraid to stop being small OR when someone is pointing fingers at their problems instead of themselves, I am just gonna spread these wings and go a ride. I will no longer play nice, because I will no longer play this game of theirs.
Once we hit January, I will be making some announcements. I will also be making some cuts. Until then, ask yourself if you're ready. Are you ready to rebirth? If not, I will see you in your next life, cause I will not allow myself, my energy nor my vibration to be held back by those who choose to stay small.
Say it with me,
I am here to change the game. I am here soar. I am here to show you how.
“Every time you rehearsed your projection onto me, the bathroom mirror was showing you the problem. Help me understand whose problem it is that you never saw the reflection.”
Until next time,
Be brave, bold & raw.
Diam.
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