What can I say to you that will actually have an impact and support you in finally letting it all go? How do I convince you to finally see yourself through my eyes? How do I show you how you are holding yourself back from literally having it all?
The truth, I can only take you as far as I am, to a place where I no longer notice my shape, my fear, my lack of or any unworthiness. I can’t make you change, I can’t make you see, only you can do that. I can however stay inspired within myself and continue on this journey that burns within my soul, aching to hold your hand and have you join me living in full freedom.
I don’t have it all figured it out, and I am still bouncing around from home to home, country to country, but at this time the amount of connections I am making is worth every plane ticket and new bed I crash in.
Back in 2012 I had this pull to move to Costa Rica that has sat with me since. I would drive the back roads and admire the green that Ontario summers in Canada have to offer. Travelling the hills of Northumberland county, I would pretend that I was driving through Costa Rica. I did this every summer for years. In November of this year, I had my first visit here to CR and I don’t think I can ever look back. I stayed with friends that have quickly become family and before that trip was over, I had already booked my plane ticket to come back. I have now been living here two months and although it has really had some challenges, I know this is where I belong. This experience has changed me fully. I am heading back to Canada in a few short days and can’t say when I will be back for good, but I know it’s coming.
I have shared a lot about my history and what has lead me to this moment in me past blogs but today I want to share what this journey has done for my self worth and self love. It started with my fears.
Those who know me well, have seen the over dramatized reaction I have to a spider, a butterfly and any open body of water. Childhood drama that I held onto so tightly and carried through in my adulthood. The bigger fear however, was the fear of not being fully accepted, for the level of awareness I hold, the quirky ego I cherish and more so the curvy body that loves wine more than water. I have struggled with fears deep down often unaware of how much they hurt, how deeply they we ingrained from a past where I was ridiculed and convinced of my unworthiness by abusive parents who pushed me away over and over again. I don’t blame them, nor my first husband who told me I looked a duck the more weight I gained during my pregnancies, nor the superficial world of working in the fitness industry for over a decade. I hold no blame towards anything, I see now that all of these disbeliefs were only stories I chose to hold onto. I chose to keep the stories I was told over and over again as my own, finally letting go of every single one of them here in Costa Rica.
This journey towards full authenticity is literally never ending. As pieces of ourselves fall away, we create new experiences and adventures that become our now. As we continue to step into what feels good, there is always something to let go of, creating space for something new and more suiting towards who we are always evolving into. A never ending stream of experience.
While here in Costa Rica the past two months, I have watched how I have let go and how that has changed the world around me fully. It began with my first interaction with a tarantula and me claiming as long as one did show up in my shower, or my bedroom I could handle it. Sometimes we create a bigger plan for ourselves, literally manifesting the very thing we think we don’t want. Yes, a tarantula showed up in my shower, I named her Susan. Susan then showed up the next day in my room, staring down at me while I realized I created that moment. We create from our beliefs, whether we want the experience or not, we create the very deep down fearful experience as much as we create the joyful ones. The following days I watched as butterflies the size of my face and dragonflies the size of hand chose to hover around me forcing me to either repeat the same pattern of running away or to sit there and just be, breathing and allowing the fear to melt away for the last time.
Next came showing the world who I was behind the fancy clothes, makeup and all the bathing suit cover ups I could find. I stopped wearing makeup the first day here. My eyeliner has always been my mask. I would never be caught leaving the house without my “eyes on” and now I let my sun kissed face and freckles lead the way. That’s not to say I don’t throw on some make now and then, but I no longer require it or even think about it.
Here’s where it gets super great my darlings, as I explained in my last blog about my Inner Star Gazed Lover (SGL) coming to the awareness of what it means to have life and experience live through you, with you, for you, I discovered how that works for self love and acceptance.
I have been every shape and size. A fit yoga instructor, I built muscular size 0, a sad 210 pound ill woman an now somewhere in between it all. Up until this trip I was calling myself fat and too curvy daily, as though if I said it first no one judge me any harder than I was judging myself. So ridiculous, but we do it don’t we? I was working out everyday, eating as clean as I could and getting unsolicited advice on how many calories were in my wine as if I didn’t already know. I was literally creating a life where my fears where being reflected back to me through everyone’s advice, or comments on my workout routine or my meal plans. I found myself here wondering why on earth I cared so much about these curves, why did I care what anyone else thought? Why couldn’t I just be okay with them and let my body be? I am healthy, I am strong and I know I am pure heart and full of love, so why did my waistline bother me so much?
I decided that just as I was able to sit with the butterflies and let the fear melt away for the last time, I was going to do the same with my fear of judgement. I have reflected on all avenues of this, but today I will just share this part;
I put on a string bikini and headed to the beach. I walked the entire coastline of an overcrowded beach with my head up high and then listened to the stories that were running through my head. Wowza, the shit I was telling myself was unreal. I listened and chose to not partake in any of it.
Here’s what I came up with:
I am not my body. My body is just my experience, not my identity.
I then reflected on my past blog about my SGL, how does this apply to this situation. My inner being doesn’t want to waste any time being focussed on what others may think about me or how my inner thighs were gently kissing each other as I walked down the beach, and that’s when it hit me.
Passion is an energy correct? Something you feel right? Sexy is an energy correct, it’s something you feel? What about beauty? Is it a label you put on like a garment or is it something you feel? You can’t hold onto any of these things, you can only feel them. What if these energies were simply an energy, a frequency? What if it was an energy that you could simple invite into your body, allowing it in instead of trying to become it? The way lust can run through you, making you ache in such an intense way. Or the way laughter can fill a room as happiness runs through you. You can’t put it on, or wear it, you can only allow it.
Ever listen to a song and feel your inner stripper come flying out? Maybe that’s just me, but Glory Box by Portishead somehow can change my walk from a casual stroll to a full fledged power walk and stir up an inner power that wasn’t flowing through me before the song started.
So what if, beauty, sexy, gorgeous, were simply an energy that you can summon through you, with you, for you?
I tried it and everything changed. When I walked the beach in a white string bikini, letting my belly out, my thighs kiss, and just let my thoughts shut the f**k up, allowing my inner being to be free, making claims like;
“I f**king love you”
“I allow myself to be beautiful”
“ I am beauty”
“I am sensual”
“I am the energies of all my desires, I allow them to flow through me, with me, for me”
Freedom is delicious my friends. I simple allowed the feeling, the energy, to flow through me. As I did, it became one with me. I felt what beauty felt like flowing through each foot step along the beach. I gave myself permission to be human, to be a beautiful, sensual human. I gave myself permission.
I stopped my thoughts, took a deep breath and let the energy flow through me fully and as it coursed through me, my mind and inner being blended with it and everything that I am. I was not separate from the energy of beauty, sensual or sexy. I was one with it, becoming the experience of it for my own chosen desire - through me, with me, for me.
My last fear was swimming in the ocean. Actually swimming in any body of water that is not a pool but the ocean seemed a lot more daunting to me. The first few visits at the beach I stood on the shore line watching these large birds dive in and grab fish only feet away from me. A big “NOOOOPE” would run through my mind and I would continue to just walk the shoreline.
Last week, while standing on the shoreline, I stopped and let the stories of fish or whatever else stop running through my mind. A big breath and one foot after the other I walked in. Each wave pushing against me I kept moving forward.
“I am her, I am one with Gaia”
As I swam and laughed along with my crew in the waves, we watched as two large stingrays (eagle rays) played in the waves beside us, circling back around over and over enjoying each push and pull the waves offered them. At first, I did everything I could to get my ass back on shore in a total panic but as I reached where I could touch, I turned back around and remembered to stop the story.
“This experience can run through you, with you, for you Christine. If it’s for me, then why would it hurt? Allow it.”
I surrendered fully letting myself simply float, in my bikini, with the sun shining on my face as I felt the knowing that I am finally free, to live, to be, to experience life in this meatsuit completely fearless.
The next day, two great things happened. As we walked down the ally to the beach, I saw the picture attached and smiled knowing that I was creating all the signs I needed to continue this journey. The second thing happened while visiting the surfers beach. My friend and I were capsized by a huge wave throwing me into a tailspin under the water not knowing what way was up or down, both of us losing our sunglasses with the force, as well as having my bikini bottoms wrap themselves around my ankles and both breasts come flying out of my top. When I finally was able to get to my feet and look down trying to put my clothes back to where they belong, I burst out into laughter. Looking back at my friend as she was trying to get to her feet I yelled out as loud as I could,
“That was awesome!” And then continued to laugh at full volume.
Tarantulas - check
Large flying bugs - check
Living in a foreign country - check
Ocean - check
Streaking on the beach - check
Finding the love of my life - check
Falling in love with myself - double check
Folding all my f**ks into paper airplanes and living freely - check
Next up - surfing lessons.
Followed by finally getting the first kiss with the love of my life when we meet in Canada for the first time in a few weeks.
After that?
A full out #unicornsquad retreat where I will be teaching how to fully let life live; Through you, with you, and yes, for you.
Until next time.
Love you. Madly.
Christine
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