Hey gang,
First let me thank all of you for the ongoing support and love letters in emails, it truly means the world. Secondly, this is going to be unedited, so you’ll have to read through all the typos and spelling mistakes. Hope we make it through this, fingers crossed lol.
Felt very strongly with this super moon that it’s time to share this little journey of mine a wee bit deeper, knowing that it will support those going through the challenges I did.
It’s funny how sometimes a little confirmation can go a long way right? And oddly enough, kinda what I want to write about today; the “signs”. But like always with me, word vomit takes over, so let's see where this goes shall we? LOL
We have had a lot of questions at RA (RebelliousAwakening) lately on how to tell the difference between the heart (aka soul) and the mind (aka ego). This self confusion is something I am overly familiar with. I do 99% better now with it, but holy shit this was not always the case.
I am going to open up about my current personal life and share with you some of the things that have helped this nut job get through those moments. Brace yourself for this journal download I am choosing to take public.
Let me start with this “spiritual journey”. It is so fucking messy. Well let’s be real, being human is so damn messy. An overload 24/7 walking around in between two different worlds, one that’s liberating and ever expanding and one that is heavy like sinking in quicksand. Time alone or with like minded peeps feels as though the hours fly by leaving you hungry for more. Time in the world, at work or trying to navigate love, can feel like a python wrapped around your core taking everything from you one exhale at a time. It’s heavy in these meatsuits and so fucking dumb. My quote of the month; “this is dumb”.
2 years ago I chose to let go of my life, surrender and change everything. At the time, I was recovering from my second round of cancer, went through the worst break up of my life, sold all my possessions with a strong middle finger (the one that clenches all the other fingers so hard to the point of a wee hand cramp) to the world and headed out on a journey, seeking as much travel as I could fit in.
I questioned it all. Every single step. What was in store for me? Was leaving my relationship the right thing to do? Would love ever find me again? Could I financially do this? What would my children think? The questions go on. To calm my mind, I asked my Angels for signs. “Yes” was finding small amounts of money and the colour green. “No” was the colour red and the word stop.
I began making plans to let go of all my possessions and had the dreaded “break up” convo - which *sign one* turned into him breaking up with me first. My first dump, ouch. Sign right? He ended it so that had to be a sign?
Within the next week I arranged my move out of our home and the truck that a friend borrowed to help me was bright red. Sign? Everywhere I drove, I hit every single red light. Sign?
The day of the move I got myself settled in my new and temporary pad and headed out for dinner alone (ahhh I love my alone time). Walking into a restaurant I had never been to, I found a $20 on the ground. Sign? The waitress who served me, had flaming red hair.
“Wow, your hair is gorgeous.” I claimed.
“Oh thank you, I don’t know what came over me, but felt the need this morning at the hairdressers to change it from blonde to this colour last minute, still not used to it and have no idea why I did it” she giggled and blushed.
Sign?
The list of red and green go on. Some days nothing, other days all red and others all green. Mind fuck.
With all the mixed signs, my journey continued and before I knew it, I was living in Costa Rica.
Mixed signs all day everyday. Was I supposed to be here? What if I was supposed to be home in case the relationship that ended could be rebuilt? (I really wanted that). What if something bad happens? What if something bad happens to my children back home? What if I don’t make friends? And OMG what if my retreats don't take off? Red and green everything, lizards, cars, birds and bathing suits on the beach. What was I doing?
Then along came what I thought was my destiny, the beautiful Omar. A Lot of you followed our very public and open journey on social media. A whirlwind romance of two kindred spirits. I will let you know, even though we are no longer together (I still get asked questions about this a year later), we still love each other and fully support each other. He is living his best life and dancing like a Queen and I couldn’t be happier about this. Our lives crashed together hard for a very large purpose. We both needed exactly what we brought to our connection and his different awareness shifted me fully into what I now am experiencing. He was so necessary for me on a spiritual level, and I him on a human level. We became different people together, and then apart. Massive shifts. I stopped asking for signs as we built our relationship. I STOPPED asking. I just allowed them and they came flooding in. Never ending signs, even my passed away Grams showed up to show me the answer was a strong yes.
After he moved back to New York, I came home to Canada. Not an easy choice let me tell you, and took the grandiose look back … ahh sweet hindsight.
In that moment, a download came through that was one of my biggest game changers. Hard brain warp but let me try and put it into words.
The heart/soul is your internal GPS system. It can not and will not steer you wrong. The mind/ego is your biggest fan and protection mechanism. It can act like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, but like the 2 year old, it is seeking something: safety, acceptance, validation and love.
Looking back, anytime I asked for signs, it was because I feared the unknown. I wanted validation that I was making the right choice. I wanted clarity that I was not going down the wrong path.
Seems logical right? Here’s the kicker friends;
There is no wrong choice, ever. Never ever.
We create our experience. I am 100% responsible for the experiences I am having. God/universe/higher power isn’t sitting up in the stars with a fucking magic wand waiting for just the right moment to wave it and mother fucking TADA, I then have it all. Nope. We have free will. We create every single experience fully and truly from the depths of the beliefs within our subconscious. Everything we endure, is a manifestation of the frequency/energy that radiates into our personal vortex. Here is where I went wrong …
After my break up 2 years ago, I drown myself in confusion. He was the best experience I had to date. My expectations slowly sabotaged it. I didn’t have unconditional love at the time, for myself and therefore could not offer it to him. (That's a whole other journal dump for another time but damn it’s juicy!) My soul knew it, and so did my mind but like the very spoiled 2 year old my ego can be, it refused to look at that. Instead it went into panic with “what’s next? GIVE ME A SIGN”.
The fear of what was next shared the spotlight 50/50 with my souls knowing it needed the lessons that were coming, oh so fast and hard. The fears of the unknown created a whirlwind within my vortex and therefore the internal war attracted all the signs. The universe didn’t give it to me, and babes hate to tell you, it's not giving them to you either. You are creating out of free will. You are creating the signs, always.
The funny part, I teach this very deeply with our Vortex Creation Program alongside Brandy and watch about 30% of our clients go into full denial and panic because letting go the belief that “the universe” is providing is scary shit. You are creating every single sign, every single experience.
So how do we let go and figure out if it’s the ego or the soul? It's actually really simple.
When Omar came into my life, I stopped asking for the signs. Why? Because it felt to good so I decided to simply trust this motto that was brewing within;
If it brings me pleasure, I am doing it. If it doesn’t, then I am not.
The soul won't seek unpleasurable. The ego will throw you into lessons if you have expectations that need healing.
Simple but the truth. Let that really sink in and read it again.
The hardships are your stubborn ego manifesting, taking the same lesson over and over in different fashions until it sinks in and you calm the fuck down and trust.
Get the expectations out of the way, all of the;
Is this it?
Is this person right for me?
Is this the right job?
Am I truly in the right place?
Etc.
Let go of the expectations and let your soul lead you. If it feels good, do it. Your soul won’t lead you astray. Just like with Omar, I had no expectations. I just went with it because it felt so great and now because of one shared Reiki healing session with this man and many hours of deep spiritual conversations, I had an awakening that brought me the full clarity required to step fully into my soul purpose. My soul knew, as did his. Once the awareness was there for both of us, we went our separate ways and now life has brought me back full circle to the very starting point I was so afraid to walk from 2 years ago. This time, I am on fire, unstoppable and fearless.
Stay tuned for the adventures.
Mad love,
C
Xo
Be sure to follow along on the Book of Face and the world of insta @RebelliousAwakening
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